Facing the "What Ifs'

I looked at my first property before I actually moved the date of my retirement up a year.  It was Labor Day weekend and I was staying with my friends, Tom & Mary, in their old farmhouse that happened to be almost across the street from my brother’s group home. It was kind of a lark. Mary had mentioned that the house next door to them –which really WAS across the street from my brother’s home – was having an open house that Sunday, and suggested that we just walk over and take a look. Why not? I was game so we ambled over cross lots at the appointed hour and saw the house. My fantasies began. Wouldn’t it be cool to live next door to them and across the street from my brother?? Would it be foolish to buy that house even though I wasn’t planning to retire for another year and nine months? The house had some very positive aspects – mostly its location – but several negative ones. It was way overpriced, it needed a lot of work, and it smelled like a litter box.   I ended up going back two more times before I reluctantly moved my attention to other properties.

Meanwhile, Mary was playing devil’s advocate. Although excited at the possibility of my relocation to Batavia, she cautioned against impulsivity and wondered where I saw myself in five or ten years. Could I really see myself leaving New York City? And what about my daughter? How would I feel about moving away from her?

I rarely do anything without thinking about every possible angle and examining what my gut and brain are feeling and thinking. Usually when contemplating any big change, I start by spending a few days living as if I have made up my mind already and see how that feels. Does it “fit” or does it feel “not quite right”? That approach has worked for me again and again. I responded to her queries.

The five and ten year plans were primarily about retirement. I had met with a representative from my retirement plan at work during the previous winter. She had asked me what I wanted out of retirement. As I listed for her the things I wanted  – to dance, write, play my guitar, make jewelry, read, see movies – I realized that it all came down to time. What I wanted from retirement was time to do the things that made me happy.  I had already thought about the possibility of moving away from NYC due to the expense involved in living there.  Although I loved the city and had taken advantage of its cultural opportunities, I knew that if there was something I really wanted to do or see there, I could always visit. Although I had met a great many people over my 30 years there, there were relatively few with whom I was very close. Those people would always be in my life, wherever I ended up. The rest were acquaintances. I am philosophical about the nature of relationships, having long embraced a piece by Jean Dominique Martin which talks about people coming into one’s life for a ‘reason, a season, or a lifetime.’

  

I also don’t believe that any change of lifestyle has to be forever. The best you can do is make decisions based on here and now and the foreseeable future (which isn’t that far ahead)  – and know that down the road, for whatever reason – there might be a different here and now that necessitates further change.

My daughter was (and is) busy leading her own life, working crazy hours, with lots of weekends. Recently married, when she did have free time, which wasn’t often, naturally she wanted to spend it with her new husband. We often go weeks without seeing each other, although we text each other most days. I suspected that having a grandchild was not in my future so there would be no reason to stay close by to help with a baby. 

The plus side to relocating was being closer to my brother and better able to monitor his living situation in addition to already knowing many people in the area.  Wouldn’t it be nice to have a yard and a garden? Wouldn’t it be nice to not worry about making noise that bothered upstairs, downstairs, or sideways neighbors? Wouldn’t it be nice to be free of co-op rules that prohibited grills on balconies, wreaths on doors, or doing anything to attract birds? Wouldn’t it be nice to have a second or third bedroom for house guests? 

Were there negatives? A few. Chief among them were snow and super long winters, filled with gloomy days. I was very aware of how depressed my mom used to get from day after day of cold and gray.  But there were options there too – like leaving town for the worst of it. Florida. Arizona. Or there were lamps that simulate daylight. I could stock up on them. 

What if something happened to my brother? Would I regret having moved under that circumstance? The reality is that someday, something WILL happen to my brother. I just hope that he doesn’t outlive me. If I were unable to reimagine my life here without him, well, there are other places I could relocate. I did not see that eventuality as a deterrent.  Life is fluid.

I also recognized that it was a very real possibility that my own health could suffer as I got older. I determined that were I to get to the point health-wise where my daughter was stressed by having me across the state, I would willingly go wherever it made her life easier. I would not want her to feel tortured by my needs, made worse by a distance of almost 400 miles. 

As Mary and I talked all of these considerations over, the “rightness” of the relocation plan emerged, along with a commitment to make it happen on an accelerated schedule.