The Truth of Two Women

This is how I feel most days.

Remember the Flaying of Marsyas? This is a painting that horrified and intrigued me when I first saw it in a textbook as a child. I couldn’t believe people actually did that to each other but now I do. I suppose the imagery is a little drastic. Forgive me for that.

It’s just that somebody is always at me for something. I sit and talk with my “heart mother”.  I lament that I feel unprotected from the elements (those elements being other humans) and they are picking away at me like vultures might the carcass of an unlucky woodchuck. She nods toward my ever-in-motion hands to draw my attention to the fact that I am, as I speak, ripping away bits of my cuticles with a vengeance. (Johnson & Johnson – they love me.)

My daughter forwarded me an email not long ago, saying that it reminded her of me and she wanted to share it. The email was written by a young (compared to me anyway) woman, Meredith Levick, who sends a daily missive to readers, called Morning Love Letter. As I’ve received several of these “love letters” over time, my impression is that they are largely reflections, memories, challenges, and musings that inspire and provoke her readers to be who they are without apology. Something I’m still learning to do.

This one came shortly after I had written about feeling pressured to perform in ways that pleased others (Exposed: Being Seen & Heard, 2/23/11). I reprint it with her permission.

Truth.

People have told me that I should change the name of this mission to Daily Love Letter because I rarely send it in the morning,

but I don't want to

because the essence of it is morning, a consciousness of starting over,

and if I can't make it happen until 1:14 p.m. then so be it.

So I won't (change it).

Truth.

People have asked me when my next workshop is,

and why I haven't been advertising it lately,

but I'm making space for myself to explore what's right in terms of what's next,

and the rushing seems like it would be sloppy and disadvantageous for all.

So I won't (rush this).

Truth.

People have judged my choices,

mocked me up close and from a distance,

and I do consider lashing back because I'm enraged (if but only for a brief period of time).

They have talked smack behind my back and to my face,

and the daggers only cut as painfully as the original wounds which I'm working on healing.

I don't know it all, but I do know that I am more certain than the anger of another.

So I won't (lash back).

Truth.

  

There is a world of people out there

wondering why, what, how, where, and when.

But the clock is mine, and so is this keyboard,

and my heart, my purpose, my decisions, my integrity,

these cannot be compromised by what others do and don't like.

Bending to your whims,

rushing for the comfort of others,

attacking to become another boxer in the ring of hatred,

that can be your lifetime.

Because it certainly isn't going to be how I spend mine.

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Thank you, Meredith. Perfect.