Good Enoughness

A reader comments on my post, If I Just Worked Harder (9/6/10) saying that she’s trying to get away from the belief that she has to ‘work hard in order to prosper.’ She points out that a generous employer for whom I once worked would have just reinforced that connection for her. She struggles with knowing she and her work are good enough and wonders if I have any beliefs about this.

I’ve been thinking about this since she asked.  A couple of things are at issue here. One is the connection between working hard and getting paid (enough). I should clarify that my definition of working ‘hard’ is about pouring my heart and soul into my work, whatever it is, from a restaurant kitchen to newspaper design to managing a department. It doesn’t mean sweating up a storm or being a slave to one’s job (although some would argue that I surely seem like a slave to my job). It does mean that it’s not part of my DNA to do a half-a** job. And in that regard, I am my own toughest critic. Working ‘hard’ (for me) really means working ‘well,’ a.k.a. being competent.  And I do believe that there should be a connection between competence and salary.

When my generous employer announced a bonus for me in connection with the new (and lucrative) contract that I’d helped win, after the shock wore off, I thought FINALLY. This is how it should work. Share the wealth when there’s wealth to be had. That’s also a deep belief of mine, the end result of which is I will probably never be wealthy. 

Good enough-ness is another issue, a sore one. In my work, I know I’m good enough. In fact, I’ll go out on a limb and say I’m better than good enough. My work is the only area of my life where I have ever been certain I have value. Someone who’s known me most of my adult life has said that any one who gets me (in the workplace) is getting a treasure, a prize. That’s part of the trouble – I don’t want to be ‘won’ or ‘found’ serendipitously (and cheaply) – I want to be paid for the value I bring to the table. I earned it.   

Lest you think I’ve sprouted a gigantic ego, in the spirit of authenticity, not good-enough-ness is also part of my soul. I’ve struggled mightily with that my entire life. Among other life circumstances, I had a very narcissistic father whose attention I could not get and keep. I tried everything I could think of to interest him – from embracing his interests to trying to be best at mine. His attention was fleeting and superficial and eventually I slunk off, defeated.  I’ve learned to believe that I’m not pretty enough…. not whimsical enough…. not socially ept…. not funny enough but never that my work isn’t good enough. For many years, knowing my work was good enough was all I had.